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Hey Bestie: What can we do to end our sex drought?

Hey Bestie: My wife and I were childhood sweethearts, we’ve been married now for 20 years and have two kids together. I keep reading that couples our age (49) are at it 3-4 times a week, sigh! If we have sex every two weeks I consider myself lucky. My wife is going through menopause and it hurts her every time we have sex. I feel guilty that I’m putting her through pain. She’s been to the doctor and has to insert some medicine, which she isn’t comfortable doing. In effect, when it comes to sex at night, she’s too tired, in the morning she needs to sleep, in the afternoon - it’s too weird. I know there’s no magic bullet but is there anything you can do?

Thank you for not only reaching out, but for your honesty as well.

Most people believe that after the first few years of marriage that their ‘sex life’ becomes non-existent. The good news is that’s not the case.

There are so many other things that affect frequency of sexual within a relationship.

A few things that I’d like to cover in your question are frequency, age, menopause and lubrication.

Although you may have read that couples are having sex 3-4 times per week, I would like to put your mind at ease about frequency of sex in couples.

For years, this has been a regular question asked in surveys and over and over again, the response is that the average is about once per week.

It’s important to take into consideration that there are plenty of variables that affect sex drive, the ability to become aroused and ultimately engage in sex, which includes hormones, stress, fatigue, children, age, etc…

As a couple matures, there are major life transitions that you will need to navigate which include attempting and potentially becoming (or not becoming) pregnant, young children, hormonal shifts, peri-menopause, menopause and ageing.

Children and menopause are two variables that place a spanner in the works with regard to sex drive and arousal. With kids, you need to get creative about when and where you engage with each other.

When it comes to menopause, you need to get ‘sex creative’ and open to new experiences which you may not have previously attempted in the relationship. Lubrication becomes your best friend.

One of the worst side-effects of menopause (this is a long list) is that vaginal lubrication becomes nearly non-existent…not because the woman is no longer turned on, but simply because the body struggles to produce the lube. So, get yourself some great quality lube and use it often!

Although there’s no magic bullet, you both need to be open about your wants, how you are feeling and what you need from one another to support each other, the relationship and your sex life.

Make the relationship a priority by making each other a priority. Don’t stop there. Continue by making intimacy a priority and by making sex a priority because after all, everyone deserves to have great sex and amazing relationships.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

Published January 7, 2022 on

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