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Hey Bestie: What's the best way to ask someone to be a 'friend with benefits'?

Updated: Mar 18

Hey Bestie: What's the best way to ask someone to be a 'friend with benefits'? I just don't have the time for a proper relationship right now but I miss sex and I'm not keen on one night stands. I have a friend who I'd love to ask but I just don't know how to start the conversation. Also, do you have any advice about what the ground rules should be?

So, what I am hearing is that sex is great and relationships take time and effort…correct! It also sounds like for whatever reasons, at the moment, the effort required for a relationship is just simply not available to you. Which, let me tell you, I’m really happy that you acknowledge rather than jump from relationship to relationship that you are not ready to invest in at the moment.

Before starting this conversation with your friend, you need to know whether or not there’s any mutual sexual interest – is the friend as interested in you, as you are them? Is the friend available? Would the friend be open to the concept of friends with benefits? Is this friend likely to get emotionally attached? (If so, you might want to find someone else, especially if you are attempting to stay away from relationships).

If you approach your friend without knowing the above and the friend does not feel the same way about you, you might land in an uncomfortable situation. When you are clear about your expectations for the casual nature of what you are looking for, you can then suggest casual sex with a friend, especially one that you’ve been flirting with.

Finally, I’m so glad that you asked about ‘ground rules’ because this is one of the most fundamental aspects of ‘friends with benefits’ that should be discussed that is often overlooked and what ultimately leads to this situation being less than successful.

Some of the ground rules should include whether the both of you are sticking to a single partner, or whether you can have multiple friends with benefits.

Discuss whether there are specific days/times, etc that are off limits, and discuss whether you are allowed to discuss the arrangements with other friends or whether this is meant to be a ‘on the hush’ kind of situation.

Please realise that this is not an exhaustive list and there’s plenty more in the realm of ground rules that could be discussed.

One of the best things that you can do is be clear with what you are looking for, and if you think your friend might feel the same, be honest while also being open to the fact that they might not be interested. Good luck!

After all, everyone deserves to have great sex.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

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