HEY BESTIE: My partner and I are struggling with communication and constantly go in circles

My partner and I are struggling with communication. It feels like we’re constantly talking past each other, and simple conversations quickly turn into arguments. One of us shuts down completely and the other feels unheard. We want to find ways to improve our communication, to feel more connected, understood, and supported. But we’re stuck on how to make real progress without going in circles.

Improving communication in a relationship is probably the most common struggle therapists see in practice, and it’s great that you’re both motivated to work on it because that makes a world of difference.

When couples feel like they’re “talking past each other,” it’s often due to underlying issues of feeling unheard, misunderstood, or emotionally unsafe. To create a foundation of healthier communication, try the following:

1. Set the Tone with Active Listening. One of the biggest barriers to effective communication is that we often listen to respond rather than to understand. Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention, without interrupting or planning your response as they speak. Reflect back what they’re saying to ensure you’ve understood. Try phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling…” or “I hear you saying…” which help show that you’re focused on understanding their perspective.

   
   

2. Use “I” Statements to Express Feelings. Many misunderstandings happen because we unintentionally place blame or use accusatory language, sometimes without realizing it. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try framing it as, “I feel unheard when…” This keeps the conversation focused on your feelings rather than assigning blame, which can help your partner stay open and avoid feeling defensive.

   
   

3. Take Breaks When Needed. If conversations frequently escalate into arguments, consider setting a “time-out” rule. When things feel heated, pause the conversation with a phrase like, “I think we both need a break so we can talk calmly.” Use this time to cool off, reflect on your feelings, and return with a calmer perspective. Taking a break can prevent escalation and give you both space to approach the issue constructively.Practice Empathy and Validate Each Other’s Feelings. Even when you don’t fully agree, acknowledging each other’s feelings is crucial. Validation doesn’t mean you have to share their perspective; it simply shows that you respect and acknowledge their experience. Say things like, “I can see why you’d feel that way,” which can help your partner feel more supported and less defensive.

   
   

4. Create a “Communication Ritual”. Set aside dedicated time each week…yes, weekly…to talk openly without distractions. It could be a regular check-in where you discuss feelings, share things you appreciate about each other, and address any issues calmly. This helps create a safe space for open conversation and prevents minor frustrations from building up.

   
   

5. Seek Professional Support. If you feel stuck in patterns you can’t break on your own, consider seeing a couple’s therapist. Therapists offer techniques and guidance that help couples create more effective communication strategies tailored to their unique dynamics. Therapy can be an invaluable space to feel heard and supported while learning new skills.

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Although the strategies above seem simple, implementing them requires two willing participants. Because after all, communication is multi-faceted and improving it takes patience, practice, and mutual commitment.

By focusing on listening, empathy, and setting intentional time to connect, you’ll begin to build a more open and supportive relationship dynamic.

Remember, the communication process may be gradual, but each step forward can bring you closer to understanding and connection…which is the aim of a healthy relationship.

Your Bestie,

Amanda x

Published Nov 8, 2024 on https://www.perthnow.com.au/lifestyle/hey-bestie/hey-bestie-my-partner-and-i-are-struggling-with-communication-and-constantly-go-in-circles-c-16675581