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Hey Bestie: Should I tell my friend her husband’s a cheater?

Updated: Mar 18

Hey Bestie: I have discovered that my friend’s husband is cheating on her, what should I do? Long story short, they were caught in the act when a mutual friend went to their house and saw another woman (half dressed!) there while my friend was out. If it were me, I’d definitely want to know, but I also don’t want to risk our friendship if it all goes south because I know these things can get messy.

Thank you for the question – this is typically the exact situation that most people never want to have to face…should I tell or shouldn’t I and if I do, what are the consequences and how will that impact on our friendship? Questions, questions, questions…

Research shows that people are more likely to stick with the loyalty of the ‘friendship’ over the ‘relationship’.

What this means is that if it were your friend who was cheating, you would remain quiet however, if it was your friend who was cheated on, you would let them know. In the situation above, it looks like it’s your friend who is being cheated on!

One small problem with the scenario above is that you are not the direct observer of the cheating…a mutual friend is.

So, when faced with answering questions about what you know, you are only going on hearsay unless the mutual friend wants to help you break the news.

By the time someone is cheating on a partner, there’s some underlying issues that haven’t been addressed in probably quite some time in that relationship.

The cheating can be physical, emotional or both.

By the time someone has started looking around for an emotional or physical connection with someone else, repairing the relationship requires plenty of work from both parties and the willingness to repair the mistrust that is now very present in the relationship.

Some questions to ask yourself are: What are the considerations in favour of keeping quiet? What are the considerations in favour of telling your friend? Would you want to be told if the situation were reversed?

If so, the best approach to start the discussion is an honest one, in a discreet location where neither of you will be distracted.

If you have weighed it up and the decision is to avoid saying anything, that’s your choice as well.

The good news is that there are plenty of relationship educators who specialise in infidelity and lack of trust if the couple wants to remain together and rebuild, however on the flip-side, this might be the event that was needed to end an already disengaged relationship and for both partners to move on to find more satisfying and enjoyable relationships.

After all, everyone deserves to have great sex.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

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