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Hey Bestie: Should I be concerned my husband needs to watch porn to get in the mood for sex?

Updated: Mar 13

Hey Bestie: My husband needs to watch porn to get in the mood before we have sex - should I be concerned?


Hey Bestie: Should I be concerned my husband needs to watch porn to get in the mood for sex?

There are plenty of benefits and drawbacks to the use of pornography and most therapists who work in this area would be familiar with this question.


Other questions that we are familiar with are: What if my partner wants to use porn rather than be with me? And, what happens when the porn that I enjoy watching shifts from ‘the norm’ to ‘the extreme’?


All great questions but let’s understand the impact of pornography on a relationship.


Pornography can be damaging to a person’s mental health and to the relationship, especially if the partners in the relationship have differing views regarding the use and purpose of pornography within a relationship.


If the only way that you can get turned on, stay aroused or get to climax is by using pornography, then there’s a problem.

When two people do not see eye-to-eye on the use of pornography this can cause a decrease in trust, increase in hiding the porn use, decreased intimacy within the relationship, decreased sexual performance and potentially unrealistic expectations for the sexual relationship.


Should you be upset that your partner is watching porn? The quick answer is no.


The longer answer is that if the porn use is affecting your sex life and relationship, yes, this is a cause for concern.


The best way to think about porn use this is: If the only way that you can get turned on, stay aroused or get to climax is by using pornography, then there’s a problem.


The human body and brain are designed to become aroused by various means – through touch, sight, thought, etc.


The use of pornography can desensitise people to real sexual experiences.


Understanding the reasons why your partner is using porn may be important to you.


So, what should you do? Set some time aside to have an honest conversation with your partner and talk about the following:


  • Your views on using pornography,

  • What you feel is acceptable/tolerable within your relationship,

  • The boundaries that you feel comfortable with when using or introducing pornography into the relationship,

  • What you would like to see avoided when consuming pornography and ultimately,

  • How the both of you agree on moving forward.


It is important to understand that plenty of couples manage a satisfying sex life while one or both watches porn. When having the honest conversation, avoid judging, criticising, or blaming your partner for their porn use.


If you feel that pornography is causing a personal negative impact or that there is a detrimental impact on the relationship, then seeking professional help to adjust the behaviour is recommended.


Sex therapists would typically recommend curbing the use of porn until you can naturally get turned on, aroused and climax.


After all, everyone deserves the ability to be naturally turned on and enjoy their sexual relationship.



Your bestie,

Amanda xx


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