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Hey Bestie: My wife wants password to my phone to check I‘m not cheating, what should I do?

Updated: Mar 14

HEY BESTIE: My wife recently demanded that I give her the password to my phone and has been checking to see who I’ve been messaging. On one hand I hope it puts her mind at rest that I haven’t been cheating, but on the other I really resent that she doesn’t trust me. I feel like she is monitoring my every move and I hate it. What should I do?

Hey Bestie: My wife wants password to my phone to check I‘m not cheating, what should I do?

I can’t thank you enough for sending in this question.

Trust is one of the main reasons that couple seek counselling and an issue that affects a large percentage of couples.

Trust issues can stem from a number of places and probably has nothing to do with you in particular. Trust issues can come from negative or traumatic childhood experiences or past relationships. if your partner was cheated on previously, they may be a lot more cautious about opening their heart to you and could also be suspicious about what you are doing…hence asking to see your phone.

If the trust issues do have something to do with you - such as you’ve cheated, or you’ve directly broken relationship boundaries that have been set within this relationship, then rebuilding trust takes effort, assistance and patience.

Although it’s common to want to help your partner work through their trust issues, you need to know that the work of overcoming trust issues is mostly up to the partner who has the trust issues and it’s typically not something that occurs overnight.

Some pointers to help your partner and your relationship in building trust:

  1. Be trustworthy - yep…that simple.

  2. Be patient - this is an area that takes time and there will most likely be ups and downs along the way.

  3. Provide reassurance - ask your partner what they need from you to support them through this.

  4. Be vulnerable - share your insecurities openly with your partner. This helps support them in knowing that they aren’t alone.

  5. Don’t tolerate abuse - I’ll write more about this below.

  6. Seek support - when in doubt, talk to a professional.

Let me take a moment to be clear that there is a major difference between trust issues and abuse. Trust issues is typically when your partner is worried that you’ll leave and break their heart.

Abuse centres around power and control. Monitoring your phone calls, telling you who you can and can’t hang out with and constantly accusing you of cheating…even though you haven’t…is abuse.

According to Reach Out Australia, an emotional abuser’s goal is to undermine another person’s feelings of self-worth and independence. This is what you will want to avoid. If this is the case, you have a much larger issue on your hands and I would recommend speaking to a professional about this sooner rather than later.

You should never put your own overall happiness and safety at risk as you help someone through a difficult period in their life…no matter how much you love them.

In a healthy relationship, your goal is to get to a place of equal footing, the best way to do this is through open communication with one another. Leaving past relationship baggage at the door is ideal and starting fresh with each relationship. Because after all, everyone deserves a healthy and trustworthy relationship.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

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