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Hey Bestie: I'm ready to settle down but my partner wants to party

Updated: Mar 18

Hey Bestie: I’ve been in a relationship for some time but lately I find myself feeling resentful. When we were younger, we both loved partying and going to glam events. Now we’re older, though, and I feel like it’s time to settle down. But my partner still wants to go out and party. I resent him because I think he should want to spend time with me, and he gets frustrated because he doesn’t understand why “I’m no fun anymore”. Help!

Thanks for reaching out. This is a situation that plenty of people find themselves in. When two people are on the same page and both want to settle … bonus!

However, when there’s a divide and one person wants to settle and the other isn’t completely convinced, then a rift of resentment and often fear can creep into the relationship.

People worry that settling down means giving up the freedoms that you have prior to settling down — the late nights, the friends, the parties, the independence, the adventure, the spontaneity, the travel and even the dreams.

It’s all too common to think that settling down means losing all those things.

"You might be ready to settle, but your partner may not be."

We can thank Hollywood or even parents for this screwed up idea of what a settled relationship is supposed to be. Let me tell you a secret. If you have a good relationship to start with, the day after settling is going to be exactly the same as the day before.

Nothing changes. You are still you. Your partner is still your partner.

Together, you’re the same couple. Same goals you were working on together before settling. Same dreams you shared together before settling. It is all the same. As a matter of fact, you should feel a sense of security that you might not have fully felt before. You’ve got a committed partner in life and that’s a great thing.

When we ‘settle down’, it doesn’t have to mean that you are becoming ‘boring’, it simply means that you are shifting your priorities. You might be thinking that you want to spend more quality time together, start a family or even raise a young family.

It becomes a bit difficult to go clubbing and partying while seven months pregnant and even more difficult to go partying with young children.

Your priorities have changed, and you have taken on some new responsibilities that require creative solutions – if you are both willing to be creative through the shift of priorities.

So, the real issue to discuss with your partner is whether you are both on the same page. You might be ready to settle, but your partner may not be. Understanding where they are at and for what reasons is rather important regarding being able to move forward.

This is where you find out if it’s meant to be. Sometimes love isn’t always enough, if two people are not willing to shift their priorities at the same time. If your view of your future is way different than your partners, then maybe it isn’t supposed to last forever.

That’s a mighty long time to be stuck living a life that either one of you potentially didn’t want because after all, everyone deserves a relationship that they enjoy … together.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

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