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Hey Bestie: How do I choose between the 'bad boy' and the 'safe' guy?

Hey Bestie: How do I pick between the ‘bad boy’ and the ‘safe’ guy? I’ve been non-exclusively dating two men that I met online. I really like them both, but I find I enjoy the excitement that I get from one of the men but I’m not sure I can rely on him, and I’m not sure if he’ll ever commit. The other guy is pushing to become exclusive, but he doesn’t give me the same excitement.

Great question! It sounds like the combination of the two guys you are with, are a great mix. However, if monogamy is what you are looking for then being with both might not be the best solution for you … so, deciding is important.

When my clients struggle with their dating lives and potential partners, there are a few steps you can take to make the decision a little clearer.

The first step is to decide what type of relationship you are looking for.

Do you want a one-night stand? A short-term and exciting relationship, or are you looking for a longer-term and exciting relationship?

When you are clear on the type of relationship you are looking for, you can move on to the next step, which I call the ‘wish list’.

A wish list is simple – remember back to when you were a kid and made a birthday or Christmas wish list, yep – just like that but this one includes what you are looking for in a partner.

Let me give you a few examples to get the ball rolling: tall, short, athletic, curvy, reserved, sense of humour, extrovert, likes to stay in, close to family, spontaneous, open to adventures, loves fishing, religious, educated, crafty…and the list goes on.

As ridiculous as this may seem, you need to get clear on what you want and crystal clear on what you don’t want to really begin to enjoy your relationships.

So, get busy!

Write a list of what you are looking for in THIS type of relationship.

Remember that your wish list might shift depending on the type of relationship you are seeking.

Yes, there will be some stock standard characteristics that you will notice across all your relationship types and there will be some that only feature in a particular relationship.

Follow on from this with a list of what you absolutely do not want as characteristics in the relationship.

When you are clear on the type of relationship and what you are looking for in the partner, then have a look at the two guys you are dating and decide on which one fulfils your wish list for the type of relationship you want to have and voila!

If neither of the two fulfil the list and the type of relationship, then maybe you’ll be searching for a new partner that satisfies what you are looking for.

Either way, you are now a step closer to having the relationship you want for now because after all, everyone deserves to have great relationships.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

Published December 31, 2021 on

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