HEY BESTIE: I’m a 30-year-old virgin and I’m still living at home with my parents. I’d like to explore sexually but I don’t even really know where to start. I’m embarrassed it’s taken me so long but I’m not keen on online dating.
Thanks for reaching out with a question which might have been difficult to put out into the world. You are definitely not alone, so here’s a bit of guidance.
I would like to divide this answer into three parts:
1. How to get sexual experience.
2. Getting clear on who you want to date and,
3. How to find a partner.
If you aren’t keen on online dating and you are simply looking at developing your sexual knowledge. . .you have a few options available to you. As much as some would point you to learning about sex and sexuality online, there are numerous incorrect and illegal activities, which you should be aware of prior to starting your “online education”.
This can often be a rabbit hole and can lead to a lopsided view of sexual practices rather than a healthy understanding of sexual practices.
On the other hand, there are legal establishments which are very welcoming. They can teach you plenty and provide you with a safe space to learn about yourself and your sexual preferences.
Regardless of the avenue you choose, make sure it’s the right choice for you.
When it comes to finding a partner, let’s get back to the basics.
Get really clear. . .I mean like crystal clear, on what you are looking for in a partner.
Who do you want to be in a relationship with? What values will they have? What type of personality would you like? What would they look like? How would they be with your family and friends? Write a list of everything that you would want in a potential partner.
Then, write a list of what I like to call your non-negotiables. All the things that you absolutely know, hand on heart, you do not want in a partner. Get clear and stick very close to those lists.
Think of it like this: Rather than casting a very large net and hoping for the best (not a great approach but works for some), you are clear on what you want and when someone displays the non-negotiables, you move on towards more of what you want.
Once you are clear on those two lists. . .your search can begin — friends, bars, clubs, museums, sporting activities, hobby activities, social clubs, etc.
Although there are plenty of avenues to attempt to find a partner, you need to be truly comfortable with the approach that you are taking and recognise that you might not have success on the first try…and that’s totally fine. More than likely, you will need to keep searching.
Let your friends know that you are open to looking for a partner. . .you never know, they might know ‘the perfect one’ for you and make an introduction.
If you aren’t keen on online dating, then you have to get yourself out there. Simply put, if you are sitting at home hoping for someone to knock on your door and say “Hey…I’d love to date you” you might be waiting a lot longer.
I wish you all the best in your endeavour because after all, everyone deserves to start somewhere and find their person.