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Hey Bestie: Are my sex dreams trying to tell me I’m gay?

Updated: Mar 18

Hey Bestie: I’m a man in my 20s and have always had heterosexual relationships but lately I have been having intense sex dreams about other men. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Are my dreams trying to tell me I’m gay?

Dreams are tricky things and often feel like hyper-real experiences, which may make you reflect and question yourself.

You might be dreaming away peacefully when someone of the same sex shows up as your partner, which is not equivalent to your real-world experiences.

You may have even enjoyed the dream, even if you haven’t previously thought of other men like that before. You may be completely fine with homosexual relationships; you’ve just not felt the desire to be in one yourself.

Sigmund Freud – essentially, the Grand Poobah of dream interpretation, claimed that dreams represented wishes that the dreamer subconsciously wanted. However, sex-based dreams are so much more complex than what Freud theorised.

In Jungian psychology, the belief is that connecting with the same sex partner in a dream can be powerful, healing and balancing. It may even be telling you that it’s time to embrace that side of yourself more.

If you identify as straight, and have up until now, there’s a high probability that you are.

The International Association for the Study of Dreams makes it clear that it is a rarity that you will turn out to be gay based on your dreams and vice-versa and it’s important to realise that same-sex dreams are very common.

It is normal to be curious and experiment with your sexuality and identity. It’s not as simple as ‘straight-gay-bisexual’ – it’s much more complex than that.

Think of it more like a spectrum – a range of sexual preferences which can evolve over time and throughout your life.

Just because you are dreaming in a particular way does not mean that you are looking to act it out in real life.

The most common sex dreams include the one we’ve been discussing; sex with the same sex; sex with your boss; sex with an ex; sex with your friend(s); sex with a co-worker; sex where you are unable to orgasm and finally, sex where you experience an intense orgasm!

The good news is that you are not alone with dreaming like this.

Is it your subconscious trying to tell you something? Probably not.

Regardless of the type of dreams you are having, they just might provide insight into things that are currently on your mind – maybe you need to be more gentle, more sensual, slow things down, speed things up. Be open to learning and enjoying.

If the dreams become distressing to you, please reach out to talk to a professional about your feelings.

After all, everyone deserves to have great sex and sex dreams.

Your bestie,

Amanda xx

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